Lex the ladies man spotted in Gilded Hollow forging a necklace for mystery girlfriend! - The Innion special

Lex, or as I like to call him, Lex the ladies man, was spotted in the Gilded Hollow stripping the land bare, searching for anything he could use to make a necklace. Some eyewitnesses had this to say.

Anonymous Eye Witness A: I’ll say whatever you want - just stop hitting me!

Anonymous Eye Witness B: Are you sure this script is right? How am I supposed to know his girlfriend is angry just by looking at him?

Reporters Platonic roommate: Oh hey, I’ve seen that guy. A bit of a klepto that one - literally stole the ground bare wherever he passed. Actually, I’m pretty sure he stole the ground too.

Some research by this reporter, through means that were not dubious whatsoever, revealed an article written by TheOnionNews in a magazine called Chapter 1865 testifying about Lex’s hedonistic ways, citing reports of rumors heard over the radio by some cats about Lex winning Lovers Island, seducing countless Angels and flirting with the Primordial Nullith called Nulli.

Old acquaintances of Lex report that his odd behavior began many years ago, when he started talking to an imaginary girl who he used to believe sat on his shoulders.

Upon investigating further, it is believed that Lex’s sponsor, known only as Innkeeper, has gone into hiding out of shame over his behavior.

Now that we, you the readers and I the reporter, both know Lex a little more intimately, we can proceed to the interview I conducted.

“What are your thoughts on the highly controversial global sports game final happening right now?” I asked him, only to be answered by vacant eyes and a blank stare. It seemed that sports do not interest him. Moving on.

When I asked him about the allegations against him by the Cult of Hemzy, he was unaware of them so I shared some before continuing with my questions.

“You have been claimed as enemy number 2 in the fight against dopamine (by the cult that worships dopamine cleansing). Tell me, are you a dopamine junkie, or are you addicted to triggering dopamine in others? Or do you, perhaps, just have a disdain for a dopamine cleanse?” I asked him, to which he responded with an answer clearly demonstrating his political correctness training.

“There is absolutely no truth to such claims whatsoever. I am a firm supporter and believer in health oriented practices, and fully support the efforts of all to live a healthier, happier life. It is unfortunate, however, that there have been some misunderstandings between the Hemzy Cult and I. If they wish to reconcile, they can find me whenever they wish, and I will happily assist them in ensuring a permanent dopamine cleanse, after which they will never have to worry about producing dopamine again.” A very poignant response. Moving forward, I addressed the main issue.

“I have heard that you have been in the Fortune stronghold for many years now. However, you have spent most of that time outside the stronghold, gathering resources to forge a gift to placate and appease the… how shall I put this delicately? To appease the indignation, or perhaps rightful wrath of your paramour. Can you tell us what you did to incense your beloved to such a degree? Or your strategy to appease her?”

It seemed that my last question seemed to embarrass Lex, which is why he proceeded to literally throw me out of the room so I'll just summarise everything I know about the situation in a few sentences: International cultivator, Lex Dragonsbane, wreaks havoc trying to appease local girlfriend. Innkeeper could not be reached for comments! Girlfriend could not be found to corroborate the claims.

Fret not, dear readers, I will take down some notes about how our interview target responded to certain questions, so that in the future, I can avoid getting kicked out of the interview prematurely. I will endeavor to, in the future, get the hottest scoops, the real inside news, as well as all the hot gossip that you so desperately crave. Signing off, your favourite reporter, LittleSketcher

[Hello everyone, My name is LittleSketcher and for legal purposes I have to state that all articles I will write here are "fan-fiction" and that lifesketcher "totally does not want you to treat these as cannon articles which he oversees and approves". This news article is a part of a series called The Innion (if you know, you know). You too can contribute to articles in The Innion if you feel an itch in your funny bone. Feel free to message lifesketcher on Discord, or via the Work with the Author option on the Connect Page, if you too want to publish here. Good luck!]